How our brain impacts libido
Understanding desire: The role our brain plays in libido
Libido can be a challenging thing to understand, as there are many things that go into our desire and wanting around sex. This may include our own bodies, our minds, and our relationships.
We are now starting to understand that our nervous system also plays an important role in our desire. A great concept (from Emily Nagoski’s book, Come as You Are) that helps us understand why we might be experiencing a mismatch in our sex drive from what we are use to previously, or to what our partners desire is the concept of sexual accelerators and brakes.
Essentially, we all have things that we find to be sexual exciting or stimulating, and other things that can inhibit or put the brakes on for us. Some of us are have more sensitive gas pedals, whereas others have more sensitive brakes. Often people assume it’s a lack of accelerator that is the issue, but more often it’s too much brakes. This analogy is actually true to how our central nervous system works - not just a metaphor.
We can start to understand why we might be feeling a bit stuck, when we take a look at the different things that put the brakes on for us: perhaps we are feeling overwhelmed at work, we physically don’t feel as well, etc. These small things may increase the amount of “brake” that is on leading to a point where we can’t get the car moving.
In addition to the brakes and accelerator, context can play a role. This may include our mental and physical wellbeing, our partner, relationships, settings, other life circumstances and then specific sex stimuli (concern over STI transmission, unwanted pregnancy) . This is all to say: there can be way more going on that helps us understand why we don’t feel the same way that we use to.
How do we course correct? It might involve doing some reflection on your own circumstances and what you enjoy/dislike, actively working on minimizing the brakes (either through communication with your partner, or by supporting your mental health and stress management), leaning into the accelerators that work for you, and finally creating a context that makes you feel the best.
Need more resources? Check out the following television series and books to get started
The Netflix series: the principles of pleasure. The episodes take you through these three areas, and provide interviews with some of the most notable sex researchers.
Come as You Are - by Emily Nagoski
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Lori A. Brotto
Need more support with your libido including overall health, pelvic floor, or mental health? Consider booking an appointment with one of our naturopathic doctors, or our nurse practitioner to explore how we can support you.